Pie Crust Prohibition

Hey, New Yorkers: bad news for those of you fond of stopping for a donut on the way to work…artificial trans fat is being booted out of New York City restaurants, just like the smokers. I’m sure the feelings of many can be summed up in these well-known lyrics:

Start spreadin’ the news–
I’m leaving today.
Trans fat’s no longer welcome in New York, New York.

I want to wake up in a city that sells good eats;
To find a cream puff (cheese-filled),
Marbleized meat.

These “handles of love”
May soon melt away…
I’ll make a brand new start of it–me and my fork.

If I can’t eat it there
I’ll eat my cake elsewhere.
Goodbye to you, New York, New York!

Guess that’s what happens when you nickname your city “The Big Apple” instead of “The Big Éclair.”

Remember those “speakeasies” that popped up during the 1920’s prohibition of alcohol? Bet we’ll start seeing that sort of thing in NYC for trans fat social eaters. I can see it now…

The sign on the restaurant reads “Jacque’s French Cuisine Health Haven,” but regular patrons know that if you order the “Les Batons de Pomme de Terre,” you get a mound of french fries loaded with partially-hydrogenated goodness. Ask for “Les Cercles de Bonté,” and you get a plate of trans fat-intensive chocolate chip cookies. And “Le Seau d’abondance” is simply a tub of shortening with a spoon. One day, a wary waiter approaches a table with an unfamiliar face…

Waiter: Bonjour! May I take your order?

Patron: I hear you serve trans-fatty foods.

Waiter: No, Monsieur! Jacque’s serves only heart-healthy foods cooked in light–

Patron: Look, I need a fix, and fast. Gimme a carrot cake with a generous topping of cream cheese icing—easy on the carrots.

Waiter: You are mistaken, Monsieur! We absolutely do not–

Patron: Here’s twenty bucks. Keep the change.

Waiter: You want fries with that?

And don’t think it will stop with trans fat. It won’t be long before we’ll start seeing news stories like this…

City of New York to Ban “Death Drops”

NEW YORK – First it was trans fat; now the New York City Board of Health has set its sights another food danger: peppermints.

New York City restaurants have until July 2007 to phase out these candies which, according to Board officials, pose a significant choking hazard.

“We’re not talking about those small chalk-like chewy mints,” says Health Commissioner Gary Nayschen. “I mean the red and white hard candy disks. After-Dinner Airway Plugs, we at the Board of Health call them.”

Restaurants are encouraged to consider alternatives to the traditional bowl of peppermints by the cash register. Suggestions include offering raw okra pods, “fun-size” boxes of raisins, or sprigs of cilantro tied with tiny festive ribbons.

“They could even provide finger bowls of baking soda at each table, if patrons are concerned about post-dinner breath odor,” says Nayschen. “Just lick your finger, stick it in the baking soda and ‘brush’ your teeth. Then swish and spit into your table spitoon. Sure, you may feel a little awkward at first, but not as awkward as having a waiter grab you to perform the Heimlich maneuver, I’d be willing to bet.”

Nayschen holds up a T-shirt. “It’s part of our campaign to spread the word about the new ordinance,” he explains. “All of us at the Board of Health will be wearing them tomorrow. It says, ‘No More Peppermints–We’re Not Choking.’”
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So start spreadin’ the margarine, New York–at least while you can. And you might consider stocking up on peppermints. Just in case.