Angie’s Humor Blog

Dear Angie,

My family is going camping soon and I’ve heard that you should store your food where scavenging animals can’t get it. What are some good ways to do this?

Sincerely,

Foraging for Advice

Dear Foraging,

Ah, nature. Perhaps this poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson will be of inspiration to you:

“The rounded world is fair to see,
Nine times folded in mystery:
Though baffled seers cannot impart
The secret of its laboring heart,
Throb thine with Nature’s throbbing breast,
And all is clear from east to west…”

I may not be able to impart the secret of nature’s laboring heart, but here are three ways to deal with its growling stomach:

1. Tie the food in a tarp and hang it from a high tree. Higher. Still higher. No, no, I’m talking about that 50 foot pine over there. Yes, it’s going be a pain hauling your food up and down every time you want to eat, but I assume you didn’t decide to go camping to be sedentary in a picturesque setting

2. Another method: put your food supplies in a large cooler. Place the cooler on the ground well away from your campsite area. Now obtain an unbelievably foul smelling substance and spread it in a 25 foot circle around the cooler. Light a fire near the cooler (someone will need to remain behind at all times to fire-sit). Next, place a three-foot high barbed wire fence along the inner perimeter of the circle. Okay, think that’ll be enough protection for your pitiful stockpile of canned beans, hot dogs, and instant coffee? Once again, we learn that Nature and its throbbing breast would just as soon you stay indoors.

3. Drive to nearby restaurants for meals (recommended).

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Dear Angie,

Do you have any suggestions for camping activities the pre-school crowd can enjoy?

Thanks,

Tot Tent-Time

Dear Tot,

It’s never too early to introduce your little ones to the joys of camping. Unfortunately, there aren’t any. Just kidding; of course there are joys! For instance, leaving the campground to head back home.

But let’s get back to your question….here are some ways to involve young children in the camping experience:

1. Play a game of “No, no! Don’t touch that!” Observing an astonishing variety of wildlife is one of the thrills of camping (notice I didn’t call it a “joy.”) This can be particularly exciting for children, whose natural wonder and curiosity have not yet been stripped away by the cares of adulthood. Also, they aren’t very good at identifying poisonous snakes.

2. Increase their “outdoor” vocabulary. Just because your family is recreating doesn’t mean learning has to take a vacation. This trip will provide many opportunities for your child to learn the names of plants, animals, and leading brands of poison ivy medication. Your children will also be introduced to new words as they observe you struggle to assemble the tent.

3. Let them enjoy some grandparent time. Since you’ll probably want to abandon the campsite after 24 hours, drop the kids off at Grandma’s house while you and your spouse finish your vacation at the Hilton.

Have fun, and don’t forget to make those hotel reservations before you leave!

There I was, sitting at the table snacking on potato chips, when a festive printed ribbon on the bag caught my eye: “Same Great Flavor; New Chip.”

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I tried to put it out of my mind and concentrate instead on the exquisite blend of sour cream and cheddar. But I just couldn’t shake the question that kept creeping back: what in the name of Utz was that slogan supposed to mean?

I could understand “Same Great Flavor; New Look” if they’d recently changed their logo from one featuring a little girl with a nose to the current noseless one. “Great Flavor; New Chip” would also make sense. Maybe that slogan wouldn’t earn the advertising industry’s excellence in creativity award, but it would make the simple point: this is a new flavor and it tastes good.

So how, exactly, does one explain a new chip with an old flavor?

Soon I began to wonder what other interesting food for thought I might find lurking in my pantry.

(click on images for a closer look)

First I checked out my whole wheat bread. I had no idea, when I purchased Stroehmann Dutch Country wheat bread, that I was treating my family to the wholesome goodness of a Pennsylvania Dutch original recipe.

I’ll just bet those Amish have a special annual ceremony where they pass on their secret bread recipes to the next generation. I can see it now…the youths are led to the kitchen, seated on handmade stools, and instructed thus:

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“Pay attention, young vons, to the vunderful bread recipe passed on from your great-great grandmutters….After adding milk, ye should use just a vee bit of monocalcium phosphate. Das ist followed by just so much sodium stearoyl lactylate. Und finish off vith a trivial amount of soy flour.”

Truly, a bite of this bread is like taking a step back in time to a slower, more natural pace. With a few added preservatives.

~~~~~

I stopped short when I came across this can of refried beans:

I’m pretty sure I didn’t look at it closely when I bought it. It’s just as well, since I prefer not to experience nausea while grocery shopping. I think this product earns the “Most Unappetizing Label Ever” award. Nothing sells a can of traditional refried beans like a picture saying “I’ve just been sick.” ¡Muy Bien, Safeway!

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In prowling around the kitchen, I ended up at my recipe bookshelf. One cookbook in particular caught my attention; it was put together by my great aunt’s church a number of years ago. And while I’m sure most of those ladies (and a few fellows) who contributed the recipes could out-cook me with one arm tied behind their back, a few of these recipes…well, let’s just say they deserved some special Angie Awards. Contributors’ names have been distorted–you never know when your great aunt’s friends might be blog surfing.

First off, “Basic Meat Dish with Most Inexplicably Exotic-Sounding Name” award:

“It is What it is, Darn it, No Need to Come Up with a Fancy Name” award:

“You’re Crazy if You Think I’m Gonna Knock Myself Out Making Dinner Tonight” award:

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Here are a couple of recipes with a dash of intrigue and mystery:

Janna’s Tradition Rolls. We aren’t informed of what tradition may have inspired Janna to prepare these sour cream flavored pastries. And what, exactly, is oleo? Wikipedia offers these possible definitions:

• Margarine
• Oleic acid
• Oleo (shock absorber), A type of shock absorbers on airplane landing gear
• Oleo (composition), a Sonny Rollins bebop piece
• Óleo, a city in the São Paulo state in Brazil
• GNU Oleo, a spreadsheet program
• A popular Lyrics website at www.oleo.tv

I’m guessing Janna’s tradition had something to do with Sonny Rollins, but we’ll probably never know for sure.

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Another recipe with more questions than answers:

Did the contributor actually get this recipe while attending deer camp? What, exactly, does one do at such a camp–other than attract ticks?

Or perhaps the contributor’s pet deer sent a postcard from camp–something along the lines of this:
_

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And last, but not least…

Ever said to yourself, “Sure, preparing boiled water seems pretty straightforward, but I’d love to improve my technique. Where can I turn for help?” Look no further:

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-I think the secret here is to stir your boiling water only once. No doubt you’ll feel tempted to make an extra go around the pot, but if you ever want to reach the level of gourmet boiler, resist the urge.

Boiled water and toast: perfect for those little unexpected visits from convicted felons. Makes them feel right at home!

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Well, humor-lovers, that’s all I have for you now from my kitchen. Until next time, practice that water-boiling and give some thought to how you might start your own special oleo tradition—with or without a helping of Sonny Rollins.

Click on cartoon for a closer look.

Here is my July Suburban Scene humor column, “Water, Water, Everywhere–but it’s Gonna Cost You.”

Oh, and in case you think I made up the part about bottled water for dogs…no, I didn’t.