Ask Aunt Tipsy: Tips for Better Living

Dear Aunt Tipsy,

In these troubled economic times I’m always on the lookout for ways to stretch my dollar. Can you give me some suggestions of how to do this around the home?

–Marge Jones (I go by Margarine)

Dear Margarine,

Great question! Here are a few ideas to get you started…

▪  To save money on utilities and help combat global warming, do the following: don’t heat your home. You northern clime readers will have the added thrifty benefit of being able to use your extremities as always-on-hand ice cubes. Ha, ha! Aunt Tipsy always likes to inject a little lightheartedness into her column. Her wacky editors say it might help stave off lawsuits when readers actually follow her advice!

▪ Aunt Tipsy likes to engage in Double-Life Recycling (DLR ®) a patented term used to make it seem as if she’s actually recycling. Simply put, it means letting some of your household items lead unsuspected double lives. Some examples of DLR:

►  Use round trivets as non-aerodynamic Frisbees. What fun the children will have making Rex fetch his new toy! (Don’t forget to let the trivet cool before using).

►  A napkin basket can double as a charming and unusual “Sunday best” hat. Borrow a few flowers from the artificial arrangement in the front hall and prepare to knock ‘em dead! Aunt Tipsy has been asked to leave a few upscale restaurants when wearing her basket hat, but places that don’t provide table service should be fine. Don’t let the restaurant accidentally nab your hat to store their napkins. Ha, ha!

►  Heavy brass candlesticks can double as weapons to use on intruders or rabble-rousers. Aunt Tipsy got that idea from a board game–and has even had occasion to use it. Unfortunately, Aunt Tipsy doesn’t own any heavy brass candlesticks and had to substitute a small votive candle holder instead. Not quite as effective, but it still did some damage. Uncle Tipsy is still recovering from that one!

►  Frisbees can double as trivets. Don’t forget to wipe off any dog saliva before using.

Well, that’s enough to get you started saving money the Aunt Tipsy way! Thanks for writing, Margarine, and don’t forget to tell your friends about Aunt Tipsy–especially since her editors are threatening to cancel her column. Ha, ha! Those wacky editors!

Yours for Better Living,
Aunt Tipsy

Ask Mr. Etiquette

Q. So my wife says to me, “Harold, don’t you know it’s rude to rest your elbows on the table during a meal?” We’re talking about a causal breakfast at home, not dinner at some fancy-schmancy French restaurant.

My question: how can I get her to stop calling me “Harold,” the name of her late husband, dead eight years this October?   –JOE

A. Try using the deceased’s name in conversation as a gentle reminder that you are not he. For example, you could remark, “I see that Harold’s life-sized portrait is getting a bit dusty. We really ought to have it cleaned.” Or “At times such as this, one realizes that Harold is in a better place.” If that doesn’t do the trick, go ahead and keep your elbows on the table. Just try not to knock over the orange juice.

* * * * *

Q. You know what I hate? I hate it when people don’t turn off their cell phones during plays, concerts, or other $50 per ticket cultural events. The other night, some guy’s phone started ringing during a very moving scene in Tchaikovsky’s ballet, Swan Lake. I don’t remember exactly what was happening on stage at that moment, but it involved a fair amount of leaping. Very moving. So, about those thoughtless types who won’t set their ringers to mute–what’s the best way to approach them?   –B.M.W.

A. From behind. Wait until intermission. Quietly creep toward the offender then scream “HONK! HONK!” (swanlike) into his ear. When he startles and whirls to face you, explain that the jarring effect he just experienced is similar to what you felt when his phone rang. This will result either in an apology, a brawl (slip out of the lobby when the ushers become involved), or a lawsuit, in which case it might be wise to start looking for a good attorney experienced in cultural assault.

* * * * *

Q. Dear Mr. Etiquette: I am a founding member and president-elect of a club dedicated to knitting, embroidery, and crocheting. Our group, the Knit Pickers, recently visited an art exhibit featuring needlework in 17th century Moldavia. Of particular interest was the exhibit exploring the effects of the decisive Battle of Finta on the needlework industry (the battle may have been indecisive, I don’t recall now). The conclusion was, there were none (effects on the needlework industry). The museum’s lunchroom offers a delightful tuna egg salad sandwich. Sour cream can be substituted for mayonnaise.

A. If there was an etiquette question offered, I’m afraid I missed it.

Q. I’m not finished. So I snapped a few pictures during the trip and posted them on the Knit Pickers’ website. The next day I received an angry call from one of our members, whom I’ll call “Sophie” (her real name). Sophie told me I should never, under any circumstances, post photos on the internet without receiving explicit permission from those pictured. She says I may not have violated any civil law, but that I have most certainly violated the law of good manners.

I believe she’s simply embarrassed because the handmade woolen beret she was wearing accentuates her double chin. I don’t think I have violated the law of good manners. What do you say?   –HELENA ST. MONTAINE

A. First of all, allow me congratulate you on assuming the office of president. No doubt a leader with great insight, enthusiasm, and charisma is just what the Knit Pickers need. But I’m sure you’ll do an adequate job until one comes along.

As to your photo question, you may be right about Sophie’s embarrassment. But then again, you may not. Questions to ask: did she knit the little woolen beret? If so, is her craftsmanship up to Knit Picker standards? Did she make an unsuccessful run for president of your group, resulting in resentful feelings between the two of you? Are the tuna egg salad sandwiches included in the price of the admission? Were there any left after Sophie went through the line?

There are deep undercurrents swirling here that Mr. Etiquette doesn’t feel prepared to handle. I suggest you consult Mr. Relationship.

Good luck.

* * * * *

Outdoor Fun with Sonny Day

Summer is upon us, and that means fun in the great outdoors! We have as our guest today Outdoor Activity Consultant Sonny Day, who will answer a couple of questions.

Dear Mr. Day,

My company sponsors an annual summer picnic that always includes a volleyball game. I’m such an awful player I almost got laughed off the volleyball diamond last year. It’s that time of year again, and I’m just not sure I want to go through that humiliation again. Should I stay home? Go and do my best? What do you think?

Sincerely,

Bad Sport

Dear Sport,

When it comes right down to it, it doesn’t matter what athletic skills you may or may not have. What’s really important is that you have a hat with the company logo. Never let the scorn and mockery of others define who you are–even if it is deserved, which may well be the case in your situation. Perhaps I should mention that it’s called a volleyball “court,” not a volleyball “diamond.” Tell me, Sport, don’t you love playing baseball, swinging at the ball with the “club?” Ever tried golf? You know–the game where you try to “bonk” the “golf globe” into the “caves?” And then there’s football…nothing quite like the exhilaration of watching the “quartermaster” race down the “course” to score a “home run,” is there? I suggest you come down with a cold the day before the picnic, lest you risk being “court jester” again.

* * * * * * *

Dear Sonny,

Do you have any suggestions for camping activities the pre-school crowd can enjoy?

Thanks,

Totally In-Tents

Dear In-Tents,

It’s never too early to introduce your little ones to the joys of camping. Unfortunately, there aren’t any. Just kidding–of course there are joys. Lots of joys! For instance, the joy of driving away from the campsite to head back home. But let’s get back to your question….here are some ways to involve young children in the camping experience:

Play a game of “No, no! Don’t touch that!” Observing an astonishing variety of wildlife is one of the thrills of camping (notice I didn’t call it a “joy.”) This can be particularly exciting for young children, whose natural wonder and curiosity have not yet been stripped away by the ability to identify poisonous snakes.

Increase their outdoor vocabulary. Just because your family is recreating doesn’t mean you can’t sneak in a little educating. Camping will provide many opportunities for your child to learn the names of plants, animals, and leading brands of poison ivy medication. Your children will also be introduced to new words as they watch you struggle to assemble the tent.

Let them enjoy some grandparent time. Since you’ll probably want to abandon the campsite after 24 hours, drop the kids off at Grandma’s house while you and your spouse finish your vacation at the Hilton.

Have fun, campers, and don’t forget to make those hotel reservations before you leave!

—————-

“Banter from the Burbs” from June 2008 issue of Suburban Scene magazine. Copyright 2008 Angie Brennan.

Ask Aunt Angie

Dear Aunt Angie,

It’s about fruits and vegetables…we all know how important it is to include them in our diet. So how can I make my kids want to eat them?

Sincerely,
Pea-Pushing Parent

Dear Pea Pusher,

Before I offer my suggestion, I’m going to give you some typical answers to this question–and why they won’t work.

READ MORE AT SUBURBAN SCENE.NET

Aunt Scriba: Showing and Shouting

This week Angie’s Humor Blog welcomes guest columnist Aunt Scriba, who offers her words of wisdom to writers…

Dear Aunt Scriba,

I am a beginning fiction writer and would like to know how to show rather than tell in my stories. Can you help?

Sincerely,
Joe, a blond large-build male of German/Irish descent with a reserved yet fun-loving personality

Dear Joe,

Let me answer by showing rather than telling. First, a bad example. Let’s take a passage in which the writer is doing a little too much telling…

Brunhilda looked at the pale yellow antique vase Harvey had placed on the marble-topped entry hall table. She seethed with anger, and felt really, really mad. Furious, actually. She felt as though she would like her anger to manifest itself in some pretty darned violent action, indicating the fury she was feeling so strongly.

Okay, in this passage the writer has told us all about what Brunhilda is feeling. But why couldn’t the action demonstrate her feelings instead? Something along the lines of this:

Brunhilda’s eyes narrowed when they fell upon the antique vase. So Harvey was at it again. She pulled a revolver from her purse, aimed it toward the entry hall table, and blasted the vase into the next zip code.

See how much more effective it is to show rather than tell? (Note: if you prefer a less violent version, Brunhilda could smack the vase off its pedestal with a travel coffee mug.)

Hope this helps!

Best,
Aunt Scriba

* * * * * *

Dear Aunt Scriba,

I’ve read that exclamation points should be used sparingly! They can actually tire out the reader! What are your thoughts? I want to know whether I’m overdoing it!!

Thanks!
“Exclamation” Mark

Dear Mark,

Here are a few situations in which an abundance of exclamation marks is acceptable:

1. Subject line for spam e-mail

Example: Best Finansial to Your Need!!!

Note: it is essential to use poor grammar, misspelled words, and awkward phrasing for this type of writing to be effective

2. Text message for the age 13-17 crowd

Example: He asked me out!!!! LOL!!! As if!!!

3. A male character in your novel is telling the woman of his dreams that he loves her, only they are both runway baggage handlers and the noise of incoming aircraft is deafening.

Example:

He: Darling, I–

She: I can’t hear you!

He: DARLING, I LOVE YOU!!

She: Watch out–that floral night case is about to fall off the belt!

He: WHAT?

She: I SAID, NIGHT CASE!

He: YES, A KISS!

She: Right here?

He: What!?!

She: I SAID–

Employer: You’re fired!!!!!

He and She: What?

Although exclamations marks, like Tabasco sauce, should be used sparingly, there are times when it adds just the right flavor to your written work.

Good luck!!!

Best,
Aunt Scriba

Some Camp-y Advice

Dear Angie,

My family is going camping soon and I’ve heard that you should store your food where scavenging animals can’t get it. What are some good ways to do this?

Sincerely,

Foraging for Advice

Dear Foraging,

Ah, nature. Perhaps this poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson will be of inspiration to you:

“The rounded world is fair to see,
Nine times folded in mystery:
Though baffled seers cannot impart
The secret of its laboring heart,
Throb thine with Nature’s throbbing breast,
And all is clear from east to west…”

I may not be able to impart the secret of nature’s laboring heart, but here are three ways to deal with its growling stomach:

1. Tie the food in a tarp and hang it from a high tree. Higher. Still higher. No, no, I’m talking about that 50 foot pine over there. Yes, it’s going be a pain hauling your food up and down every time you want to eat, but I assume you didn’t decide to go camping to be sedentary in a picturesque setting

2. Another method: put your food supplies in a large cooler. Place the cooler on the ground well away from your campsite area. Now obtain an unbelievably foul smelling substance and spread it in a 25 foot circle around the cooler. Light a fire near the cooler (someone will need to remain behind at all times to fire-sit). Next, place a three-foot high barbed wire fence along the inner perimeter of the circle. Okay, think that’ll be enough protection for your pitiful stockpile of canned beans, hot dogs, and instant coffee? Once again, we learn that Nature and its throbbing breast would just as soon you stay indoors.

3. Drive to nearby restaurants for meals (recommended).

* * * * *

Dear Angie,

Do you have any suggestions for camping activities the pre-school crowd can enjoy?

Thanks,

Tot Tent-Time

Dear Tot,

It’s never too early to introduce your little ones to the joys of camping. Unfortunately, there aren’t any. Just kidding; of course there are joys! For instance, leaving the campground to head back home.

But let’s get back to your question….here are some ways to involve young children in the camping experience:

1. Play a game of “No, no! Don’t touch that!” Observing an astonishing variety of wildlife is one of the thrills of camping (notice I didn’t call it a “joy.”) This can be particularly exciting for children, whose natural wonder and curiosity have not yet been stripped away by the cares of adulthood. Also, they aren’t very good at identifying poisonous snakes.

2. Increase their “outdoor” vocabulary. Just because your family is recreating doesn’t mean learning has to take a vacation. This trip will provide many opportunities for your child to learn the names of plants, animals, and leading brands of poison ivy medication. Your children will also be introduced to new words as they observe you struggle to assemble the tent.

3. Let them enjoy some grandparent time. Since you’ll probably want to abandon the campsite after 24 hours, drop the kids off at Grandma’s house while you and your spouse finish your vacation at the Hilton.

Have fun, and don’t forget to make those hotel reservations before you leave!

Nothing to Fear but–Well, Lots of Stuff

Dear Angie,

What are some of the more amusing phobias? I’m thinking about acquiring one.

Sincerely,
Fear-Fool

Dear Fool,

The impact of phobias on a person’s life can range from mild to paralyzing. For people suffering from phobias, it’s no laughing matter.

But who says the rest of us can’t have a little fun with them?

Granted, there are some perfectly reasonable phobias, for example, ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) or anginophobia (fear of choking; not to be confused with angieophobia, fear of joking). In fact, I’d say the disorder belongs to those who don’t experience these.

Here’s a useful one for you students: bibliophobia, fear of books: “My paper? Uh, well, you see, Mr. Smith, I was finishing it up last night when I suddenly came down with this, like, really bad case of bibliophobia. I was all, ‘Whoa—these books are totally freaking me out!’ I just had to get out of the house to chill out and, well, that’s why I can’t turn in my paper today. Hey, would you mind sticking that copy of Great Expectations in a drawer or something? It’s giving me the willies.”

Guys: want to get out of mowing the lawn? Tell your wife you think you may be coming down with hypengyophobia, or fear of responsibility. Of course, you may actually have that one.

I’m intrigued with the idea of lutraphobia—fear of otters. What sort of person would be afflicted with this? Perhaps it’s a residual psychological reaction to a story told in ancient times by mothers who would warn disobedient children to behave, lest Roscoe, the Giant River Otter of Retribution, emerge from his underground den to exact punishment.

There are some phobia names that sound a lot alike. That could lead to some interesting situations…

Receptionist: Wilson Dental Group, may I help you?

Caller: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment, but I’m looking for a dentist that can handle my fear issues.

Receptionist: Certainly! Can you tell me a little more about your particular situation?

Caller: It’s just that, well, I have dentophobia.

Receptionist: I see…Hmm. Okay, we’ll see what we can do for you.

~~Later, at her appointment…

Patient: Hello, doctor. Your receptionist did inform you of my fear problem, right?

Dentist: She did indeed. It’s a bit unusual, but we always try to be accommodating. First thing we’ll do is close the window shades. Kathy, would you mind?

Kathy: Certainly, doctor.

Patient: Um…will that help?

Dentist: I think you’ll be more comfortable, considering the fact that there’s a rather large live oak out there.

Patient: A what?

Dentist: Great wads of cotton balls–we forgot to move this fake palm tree! Kathy, let’s get this thing out of here now.

Patient: [sitting up quickly] What does all this have to do with fear of dentists?

Dentist: Wha—dentophobia? We thought you said dendrophobia–you know, fear of trees. Hey, Kathy, bring that palm back in here! [laughing] Well, that was certainly amusing! [starting drill] All right, then, let’s do a root canal! Hey, listen, we’re a little low on Novocain around here–let me know if I get too close to that nerve.

Patient: AAAAAHHHH!

Can’t decide on just one phobia? Consider panphobia—fear of anything and everything.

Good luck!

Dear Angie: Operator Ordeal

Dear Angie,

You know those smiling operators they show on catalogs and advertisements? How come they never answer when I call?

Sincerely,

Bad Mood Standing By

Dear Bad Mood,

Cheerful, pleasant operators are actually an extremely rare member of what scientists call the Tollo Frei family. Not only are they are difficult to locate because of their rarity, but photographing them is a challenge due to their very bright teeth which interfere with F-stop settings on some cameras. Businesses featuring these smiling young women (the female Tolle outnumbers the male by nearly four to one) in their catalogs are therefore forced to pass the high costs of production along to you in the form of outrageous shipping rates. So what do you do when you reach the standard frowning operator, usually not pictured?

Try to put yourself in her headset, so to speak. All day long she’s been receiving calls from people who are dissatisfied about something. People who are ready to complain. People who have been listening to muzak versions of Beatles’ hits for the past 15 minutes. Not a good psychological environment to begin with, is it?

And then you come on the line. Why not take it upon yourself to diffuse the tension right from the start? Something like this:

Operator: Mediocre Products; this is Lisa. How can I help you?

You: Hi Lisa. How’s it going? Bet you’ve had it up to here talking with jerks, eh?

Operator: Uh, well—

You: Hey, I hear ya! Listen, Lisa, I know you’re just the gal answering the phone. You basically sit around and gossip until somebody calls, and then you put them on hold. Not exactly managerial stuff, right? It’s not your fault that not only did I wake up with a migraine AND missed a deadline on an important project, but now I’m having to waste time trying to get a replacement for your company’s sham of a product. I mean, what–do you guys outsource your production to Tiny Tots Daycare Center? No, no, I take that back— I bet my three-year-old could’ve done a better job assembling it. And as for your so-called “customer service”—

Operator: Excuse me, if I could just—

You: No, you can’t “just,” Lisa. I’m afraid we’re way past “just.” Now let me talk to your supervisor.

Operator: I’ll be more than happy to connect you. But first I’ll have to put you on hold for a few more minutes. Hope you enjoy this Lithuanian oboe ensemble performing “When a Man Loves a Woman.”

You: NOOOOOO!!!

See how easy that was? By seeing things from the operator’s point of view, you’re now on your way to talking to the person who can really do something about your problem! Assuming the supervisor knows something about migraines, since yours is going to be a lot worse after those oboes.

Good luck!

Phone-y Nutrition Advice

Dear Angie,

Last month I made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. I thought I was doing pretty well with my eating habits, but the scale indicates otherwise. What can I do? Where can I turn for help? Who’s got the answer?

Sincerely,

Weighin’ and Watchin’

Dear Weighin’,

You no longer have to weigh and watch alone…introducing My Food Phone, a mobile health and dieting application. Here’s how it works: snap a picture of your meal or snack using a camera phone and upload the photo to your online food journal where you can keep track of calorie intake, current BMI, and other data. You can share the pictures with friends or with a nutrition expert who will empower you to feel guilty for putting sour cream on your baked potato.

Let’s see how a My Food Phone nutrition advisor might analyze one of your meal photos…

“Thanks for ’sharing’ your lunch with me! Say, that was quite a burger. Did you eat the entire thing? Judging from the thick slice of cheese, mayonnaise oozing out the sides, and generous-sized meat patty, you should have enough fat to last you well into next week. Today’s nutrition forecast: thighs in the upper 40’s. Nice try with the salad; next time consider adding some lettuce to your bowl of ranch dressing.”

According to their website, My Food Phone will help you “monitor what you eat, modify your eating habits, and get motivated along the way.” The company is always looking for ways to improve its services. For example, nutrition experts are currently researching ways to change the phrase “get motivated” into a verb. They’ll stop at nothing to motivate you!

As with any technology, there is potential for abuse. Clarida Wanson, a sales associate in her mid-thirties, was browsing the web one evening. Following a link to Flickr, she was stunned to see pictures of her lingerie. Wait–sorry, her linguine. “I was at Fazzini’s for a business lunch last week,” says Wanson, visibly shaken. “Some sicko obviously snapped a picture of my Linguine Alla Pescatore when I wasn’t looking. But about that garlic bread dripping with butter and parmesan cheese…it wasn’t mine, I swear! I don’t know how it got so close to my plate.”

Other chilling incidents have been reported as well. Central City police recently raided the home of Howard Billington, 58. After searching through his My Food Phone journal, they discovered hundreds of photos taken at restaurants, Starbucks cafes, company picnics, and hospital cafeterias. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day,” says Dan Galloway, Central City police chief, “But never a collection of like this. Fudgesicles, microwave chimichangas, Keebler ‘Country Style’ oatmeal cookies …The victims had no idea their food was going to end up in somebody else’s photo journal.” Galloway shakes his head. “I came close to quitting the force that day, let me tell you.”

But don’t let these stories keep you from considering using My Food Phone in your journey toward better health and digital photography skills.

Incidentally, Weighin’, judging from the last three sentences of your letter, you may have a potential career in writing country music. I look forward to hearing your hit song, “I Got the Weight of the World on My Shoulders and My Hips.” Good luck–and happy picture-taking!

Dear Angie: Holiday Helps

Dear Angie,

Is it tacky to dole out gift certificates instead of putting time and thought into selecting a present? I mean, why not just hand someone twenty-five bucks and say, “Go buy yourself a gift. Here’s a little something for your trouble–and keep the change.”

Sincerely,
Card-Carrying Gift Giver

Dear Card,

My, my–I think I know what the “right” answer is here! Sounds to me like somebody thinks somebody else didn’t spend enough time fighting the crowds at the mall.

But in answer to your not-so-subtle question about the appropriateness of gift cards: it depends. For example, a gift card for ten dollars worth of gasoline, while no doubt useful, would probably not hold the same appeal as specially chosen trunk full of rare coins. But maybe that’s just me.

On the other hand, a $100 department store gift card would beat a Peppermint Medley votive candle with faux-crystal holder every time.

But what about unleaded gasoline versus leaded crystal? That’s not an easy one to answer. Is the crystal in the shape of a stylized swan? Or perhaps two swans with necks intertwined? I can think of very few circumstances in which I would choose intertwined swans over a full tank of gas.

If you’re really determined to get the full Christmas gift experience, simply take your gift card to the mall, buy an unattractive sweater that doesn’t fit, then go back the next day to wait in an hour-long line at customer service to return it.

And stop complaining–at least you didn’t get the swans.

~~~~~~~~~
Dear Angie,

I’ve been visiting Starbucks a lot lately for caffeine hits while out doing my Christmas shopping. Yesterday I noticed that I have a growing collection of those hot drink paper sleeves in my car. What should I do with them? Like, just throw them away?

Thanks,
Grande Guy

Dear Grande,

Don’t trash them just yet! Here are some nifty ways to implement your own holiday recycling plan by re-using those paper sleeves:

• Use them to decorate your caffeine-themed Christmas tree
• Sani-Grip: Use them in public restrooms to grip door handles or push the button on the wall drier. Slip one on each foot, and there’s no need for your shoes to touch the floor! Be prepared for some stares, but as long as nobody breathes on or touches you, you should be okay.
• Use them as a banana platform if you can’t afford or simply refuse to purchase a banana tree (due to weight issues, limit two bananas per sleeve)
• Help for the shy: For a great conversation starter, hang one on each ear. When people ask what you’re doing, you can segue into a discussion of current events (for example, you could reply, “Well, whatever their purpose, they certainly aren’t going to help anyone determine a wise strategy for the war in Iraq.”)
• A little embarrassed about the fact that you’re purchasing store brand tomato sauce instead of Hunt’s? No one need know your little secret! Simply place a paper sleeve around the can and enjoy privacy from the prying eyes of other shoppers
• If you are a light bulb manufacturer with a fairly slow-moving inventory, use them to package your product
• Salsa holder if you don’t mind some clean-up
• Travel muzzle for a young crocodile
• Want to show that special someone how much you care? Forget candy, jewelry, or clothing…declare your love with a creative and unique hand-made Christmas gift! Simply write your clever “sweet nothings” on the outside of a paper sleeve. For example, “Bean” with you is simply “Grande!” or Love you a “Latte.”

So you see, Grande Guy, there are so many different ways to re-use those paper sleeves. Oh, here’s one more: using nail clippers and about 2,500 paper sleeves, cut off tiny pieces to create mulch to go around your front bushes. You should have plenty of free time for that project–especially after that special someone finds out she’s getting a Starbucks paper sleeve for Christmas this year.