Here’s an ad for “The NeckPro Traction Device” from SkyMall magazine. I don’t know about you, but my muscle pain would have to be pretty acute for me to slip my neck into one of these devices. Looks like some sort of suicide contraption for lazy people.

You’d probably want to give your spouse the heads-up (pun intended) about the thing before using, lest some unfortunate misunderstanding occur.

I can see it now….

George: Ahhh. I can feel my simple muscle tension melting away. Lucky thing I flipped through SkyMall magazine on my way home from Toledo. Wait’ll I tell Harriet about this. Hey, I think she’s home now….

Harriet: George? Would you give me a hand with the groceries? George? Oh, there you—-GEORGE! (drops grocery bag, screaming).

George: Listen, Harriet—

Harriet: George, no! Life isn’t that bad is it? (begins sobbing violently)

George: Harriet, you don’t understand. This is—

Harriet: Oh, but I DO understand, George! You’re depressed about getting older, aren’t you? Look, honey, I don’t care if your hair is starting to thin or that you can’t do push-ups anymore!

George: I do push-ups just fine, Harriet.

Harriet: It must be work, then. Oh, George, George….everyone knows that even though you aren’t the most successful salesman in the office–

George: Everyone?

Harriet: —or the most personable, or the most enthusiastic, you are the most reliable! No one has put in more travel time than you, sweetie. I’m proud of you!

George: I’m speechless, Harriet.

Harriet: Yes, George, but it’s all right! Don’t you see….Roger is an understanding boss. He told me the reason Tanya got that promotion instead of you was that the position required lots of public speaking. You don’t have to dread it anymore, George. No one–not Roger nor anyone else–is going make you give speeches, darling!

George: That fink. He told me the company couldn’t afford to give any promotions right now. He said Tanya got a new office because they’d discovered asbestos in her old one. Anyway, why is Roger giving you the office scuttlebutt all the sudden?

Harriet: (sits down slowly) So. You found out.

George:

Harriet: Oh, George, I’m sorry. Roger and I–we’ve only met for dinner a time or two. Honest! But I’ll put a stop to it now and we can work through our issues. Just please don’t go through with it, Georgie. You don’t really want to end it all, do you?

George: Let me get back to you on that one.

* * * * *

Hi! It was great seeing you in my rear view mirror the other day!

You know, they say a friend is one who sticks close to you no matter what…you must be a really good friend, ‘cuz, man, did you ever stick close. For a minute there I thought you’d gotten stuck on my bumper!

It made what would have been a rather uninteresting trip to pick up my son from lacrosse so much more exciting, since I kept wondering whether you’d end up smashing into the back of my van. Guess I should have told my son to keep his helmet on just in case! lol!

By riding up on my tail like that, I’m guessing you must have shaved a good tenth of a second off your travel time. I hope so…you got places to go, man!

When, at last, I turned off onto another road and we parted ways, my rearview mirror seemed so empty—just the road and the sky, and the sound of your revving motor as you raced up behind a new bumper buddy.

Well, Mr. Truck, I must close for now. Perhaps we’ll run into each other again someday. Guess I’d better double-check my collision coverage just in case. lol!

Keep on truckin’!

Sincerely,
The Brown Minivan (the one going the speed limit. Sorry!)

Join us for…

SINGLE AGAIN: sock support group

WHO: Socks who have lost their life partners

WHERE and WHEN: Laundry room, Saturdays at 3 p.m.

WHAT: Mingle with other newly single socks and join us for a time of discussion. This week’s topics will include:

* Why did she leave? And where, exactly, did she go? Learning to accept your solo status

* The challenges and joys of a mixed sock marriage

* Kick the co-dependency habit: how to let go of static cling

* Footless and fancy-free: life beyond apparel

* Darn that hole: learning to accept yourself, flaws and all

Mark your calendar for next week’s special activity…Sock Hop Dance! Invite your friends!  (Please note: “Non-skid” style socks will not be admitted.)

Dear Aunt Tipsy,

In these troubled economic times I’m always on the lookout for ways to stretch my dollar. Can you give me some suggestions of how to do this around the home?

–Marge Jones (I go by Margarine)

Dear Margarine,

Great question! Here are a few ideas to get you started…

▪  To save money on utilities and help combat global warming, do the following: don’t heat your home. You northern clime readers will have the added thrifty benefit of being able to use your extremities as always-on-hand ice cubes. Ha, ha! Aunt Tipsy always likes to inject a little lightheartedness into her column. Her wacky editors say it might help stave off lawsuits when readers actually follow her advice!

▪ Aunt Tipsy likes to engage in Double-Life Recycling (DLR ®) a patented term used to make it seem as if she’s actually recycling. Simply put, it means letting some of your household items lead unsuspected double lives. Some examples of DLR:

►  Use round trivets as non-aerodynamic Frisbees. What fun the children will have making Rex fetch his new toy! (Don’t forget to let the trivet cool before using).

►  A napkin basket can double as a charming and unusual “Sunday best” hat. Borrow a few flowers from the artificial arrangement in the front hall and prepare to knock ‘em dead! Aunt Tipsy has been asked to leave a few upscale restaurants when wearing her basket hat, but places that don’t provide table service should be fine. Don’t let the restaurant accidentally nab your hat to store their napkins. Ha, ha!

►  Heavy brass candlesticks can double as weapons to use on intruders or rabble-rousers. Aunt Tipsy got that idea from a board game–and has even had occasion to use it. Unfortunately, Aunt Tipsy doesn’t own any heavy brass candlesticks and had to substitute a small votive candle holder instead. Not quite as effective, but it still did some damage. Uncle Tipsy is still recovering from that one!

►  Frisbees can double as trivets. Don’t forget to wipe off any dog saliva before using.

Well, that’s enough to get you started saving money the Aunt Tipsy way! Thanks for writing, Margarine, and don’t forget to tell your friends about Aunt Tipsy–especially since her editors are threatening to cancel her column. Ha, ha! Those wacky editors!

Yours for Better Living,
Aunt Tipsy

Q. So my wife says to me, “Harold, don’t you know it’s rude to rest your elbows on the table during a meal?” We’re talking about a causal breakfast at home, not dinner at some fancy-schmancy French restaurant.

My question: how can I get her to stop calling me “Harold,” the name of her late husband, dead eight years this October?   –JOE

A. Try using the deceased’s name in conversation as a gentle reminder that you are not he. For example, you could remark, “I see that Harold’s life-sized portrait is getting a bit dusty. We really ought to have it cleaned.” Or “At times such as this, one realizes that Harold is in a better place.” If that doesn’t do the trick, go ahead and keep your elbows on the table. Just try not to knock over the orange juice.

* * * * *

Q. You know what I hate? I hate it when people don’t turn off their cell phones during plays, concerts, or other $50 per ticket cultural events. The other night, some guy’s phone started ringing during a very moving scene in Tchaikovsky’s ballet, Swan Lake. I don’t remember exactly what was happening on stage at that moment, but it involved a fair amount of leaping. Very moving. So, about those thoughtless types who won’t set their ringers to mute–what’s the best way to approach them?   –B.M.W.

A. From behind. Wait until intermission. Quietly creep toward the offender then scream “HONK! HONK!” (swanlike) into his ear. When he startles and whirls to face you, explain that the jarring effect he just experienced is similar to what you felt when his phone rang. This will result either in an apology, a brawl (slip out of the lobby when the ushers become involved), or a lawsuit, in which case it might be wise to start looking for a good attorney experienced in cultural assault.

* * * * *

Q. Dear Mr. Etiquette: I am a founding member and president-elect of a club dedicated to knitting, embroidery, and crocheting. Our group, the Knit Pickers, recently visited an art exhibit featuring needlework in 17th century Moldavia. Of particular interest was the exhibit exploring the effects of the decisive Battle of Finta on the needlework industry (the battle may have been indecisive, I don’t recall now). The conclusion was, there were none (effects on the needlework industry). The museum’s lunchroom offers a delightful tuna egg salad sandwich. Sour cream can be substituted for mayonnaise.

A. If there was an etiquette question offered, I’m afraid I missed it.

Q. I’m not finished. So I snapped a few pictures during the trip and posted them on the Knit Pickers’ website. The next day I received an angry call from one of our members, whom I’ll call “Sophie” (her real name). Sophie told me I should never, under any circumstances, post photos on the internet without receiving explicit permission from those pictured. She says I may not have violated any civil law, but that I have most certainly violated the law of good manners.

I believe she’s simply embarrassed because the handmade woolen beret she was wearing accentuates her double chin. I don’t think I have violated the law of good manners. What do you say?   –HELENA ST. MONTAINE

A. First of all, allow me congratulate you on assuming the office of president. No doubt a leader with great insight, enthusiasm, and charisma is just what the Knit Pickers need. But I’m sure you’ll do an adequate job until one comes along.

As to your photo question, you may be right about Sophie’s embarrassment. But then again, you may not. Questions to ask: did she knit the little woolen beret? If so, is her craftsmanship up to Knit Picker standards? Did she make an unsuccessful run for president of your group, resulting in resentful feelings between the two of you? Are the tuna egg salad sandwiches included in the price of the admission? Were there any left after Sophie went through the line?

There are deep undercurrents swirling here that Mr. Etiquette doesn’t feel prepared to handle. I suggest you consult Mr. Relationship.

Good luck.

* * * * *